REMINDER...                                                      
Discover a New Way to Love, A Relationship Workshop
Nov. 13-15.  Ann Arbor Area

Based on the best selling book, Getting the Love You Want, by Dr. Harville Hendrix 
Spend a weekend re-discovering each other and learn to create a closer, stronger coupleship.

It's not too late to register.
Call me at 734.424.2797 for more information or you can also visit my website to see my current schedule.

 
To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First  
Every parent wants their child to be happy. But today many couples go too far, letting everything revolve around their kids. This approach hurts both the children and the marriage according to David Code in his new book, To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First.Today's children are troubled because we're marrying our kids instead of our spouses. Many parents believe the more attention we give our kids, the better they'll turn out. But our kids are not healthier or happier than they were a generation ago. In fact, any worries we have about our kids are much more connected to our marriages than we realize.
  • We claim we're too busy to spend time with our spouses, but actually many of us have shifted our passion from our spouses to our children. We focus on our kids to escape an unfulfilling marriage.
  • The good news is we don't have to choose between our spouses and our kids. Drawing from the latest research in neuroscience and study of families around the world, his book explains why putting our marriage first actually produces happier kids.
  • Harville Hendrix highly endorses this book. Dr. Hendrix is known for his many books about relationships and Imago relationship therapy.
Carole will be offering a Sunday afternoon workshop on the importance of putting your marriage first. She will present ideas from David Cole's book plus draw upon her 30 years experience of working with couples and families. The date will be announced in the next newsletter.

Marriage Tips
The following is taken from Dr. Steven Stosny's blog, Psychology Today, Sept..15, 2009
 
You may have noticed that there are a lot of "marriage tips" out there. Most are common sense. Some are faith-based. A few are even based on research about what makes marriages succeed and fail. And just about all are as useful as tips about the stock market and horse racing according to Dr. Stosny.
 
That's unfortunate, because the only reliable way to get a better partner is to become one.
 
These tips are designed to help you be a better partner and, incidentally, have a much better chance of your partner reacting positively to your efforts.
 
Tip # 1: If you're certain you're right, you're probably wrong.Certainly is an emotional state, not an intellectual one. If you feel certain that you are right and your partner is wrong, you are most likely ignoring, misunderstanding, misinterpreting, or undermining his/her perspective. Even if your perspective is factually correct, it is, at best, incomplete, without a thorough understanding of your partner's. When you feel certain that you are right and your partner is wrong, sympathetically state his/her perspective the best you can - not what you think of it, but what it's like in his/her shoes. You will likely find that your certainty resolves into more realistic binocular vision - an ability to see your relationship more dynamically and in greater depth by perceiving both perspectives simultaneously, much like musicians in a duet.
 
Tip #2: Be more of what you're asking for and less about your complaint. The principle here is that blaming your partner is the same as self-blame. For instance, if I think my partner is aloof, my judgmental attitude creates greater distance between us; if I think she's nagging, I'm not listening; I lack sensitivity when I think she's insensitive. When you want to complain to your partner, think first how you can be 10 % more flexible, fair, loving, compassionate, supportive, intimate, sexy - whatever you want to complain about, be more of it yourself. This will temper your emotional demeanor (make you less complaining, demanding, superior) which will make it easier for your partner to be open to you in response.
 
Tip #3: Don't worry about "communication" problems. Couples in conflict - or in cold stand-offs - do not have communication problems. They have value problems, having made their dispute more important than their connection and love for each other. No matter what communication tools they employ, they are really saying: "I cannot love you unless you agree with me or do what I want." Attempting to "communicate" without getting in touch with deeper values of what is most important to and about you will be worse than useless; it will likely damage your relationship.
 
Tip #4: Talk less, connect more. Problems in intimate relationships are not resolved by talking. They're resolved by connecting. Talking without a desire to connect will make things worse. Connecting makes both talking and problem-solving much easier. If you think of serious problems you've overcome in your relationships, you will realize that you did not overcome them until you valued your connection and showed a desire to connect. It wasn't what you said or how you said it that brought improvement; it was your motivation to say it, i.e., to connect to the most important adult in your life.
 
Check out Steven Stosny's website here.